Monday, November 12, 2007

Dear Au Bon Pain,
Bitches, I will cut you if you have discontinued the steak and cranberry salad. I don't know why there was masking tape blocking it off the menu today, but I was so discombobulated that I walked out and wandered into CHIPOTLE, and, as we all know, Chipotle is not the answer to any question.

Great, it's not on the website either. Why would you do this to me? Are you not aware that this salad is referred to in my office as "the magic salad"? Do you not know that when I order this salad with no steak, as I've done for the last year of vegetarian experimentation, that the friendly downtown ABP staff only charges me for a garden salad, thus making my lunch both healthy and affordable? DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE MONEY I MAKE, YOU JERKS? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND GOOD VEGETARIAN LUNCHES DOWNTOWN? DO YOU THINK YOUR DISGUSTING CARROT GINGER SOUP IS ANY SUBSTITUTE???

We're over. You're dead to me. You can keep your damn Asiago bagels, too; I will most certainly NOT be bringing them to the office staff meeting the next time I'm on treat duty. So eff off, you pretentious, un-American, steak-and-cranberry hating, faux-gourmet, money-grubbing, disgusting-soup-making corporate entity. An e. coli plague upon your house.

That is all,
Kate

No comments: